Perspective Shifting

“We are a deeply social species. We routinely turn to other people to help shift our emotions… and how we do these things shapes whether our interactions with others during times of emotional need help or hurt.” ~ Ethan Kross, Shift

As a superintendent, I often recognized the downside of what I called ‘ally building’. It is human to seek out people who will listen to us, commiserate with us, confirm that we are ‘right’ and therefore the ‘other’ must be ‘wrong’. It is important to understand that each of us needs to feel someone sees us, hears us, understands our emotions and frustrations - and that it is normal and necessary. And yet in an organization, if people are stuck in cycles of building allies through the bonding nature of co-rumination - this is unhealthy for the individuals involved, for the organization and for the culture.

According to Psychology Today, “Co-rumination involves repeatedly discussing and rehashing our problems and difficult feelings with someone else without coming up with a solution or resolution.” As leaders we need emotional advisors and we need to be emotional advisors to others in our organization. What does this mean?

The first thing is to recognize in ourselves when we are falling into ally building - are we simply rehearsing, going back over past ground and are we resisting talking with anyone who might bring a different perspective? Look closely at who you have around you and who you go to when you are feeling frustrated, hurt, or challenged in some way.

1. If you simply want to vent - tell your trusted confidant that is all you are asking for. <be careful how much time, how many people you continue to vent to as this can slide into co-rumination>.

2. Once you’ve moved past the venting stage - decide which of your mentors/confidants can you trust to bring fresh perspectives, new or different points of view.

3. Be open to have new insight and work on moving forward.

Now, as a leader, once you see and recognize this in yourself (remember ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’), how can you create a culture where ally building becomes deep connections, deep listening,

honest conversation, active perspective shifting and productive action to move individuals, relationships and the organization forward.

“A healthy perspective shift happens only if you add in the cognitive support as well, meaning that you help the other person work through the situation instead of just commiserating.” ~ Ethan Kross, Shift